This has been a weird day 

Today has been rather strange. Well, it’s not so much strange, but it’s been a bit of a blue one. I’ve been feeling quite low. I guess with having depression and everything, this is to be expected from time to time BUT it nevertheless sucks. 

I’m feeling fat today. Well, actually I know that I am fat but the powers that be limit the amount of physical exercise I can do without causing me harm. So you know, I’ve put on a fair few pounds and it’s made me pretty fork in the mouth. My mum tells me that I should not blame myself or punish myself for something that is out of my hands and I guess she is right but it doesn’t make me feel much better. Urgh!

Anyway, work was draining today also. I’ve been working my ass of all week as usual. You can say what you want about me but I’m a dedicated hardworking person. But it’s a thankless job. I definitely need this weekend to dust away the cobwebs. 

I also feel rather bad about a situation with someone. I’m afraid I’ve hurt their feelings and I’m really not that sort of person. But my anxiety being the way it is, I just didn’t feel comfortable about doing it and so I declined. I hope it doesn’t affect what they think of me. Maybe I should be like Jim Carrey in the Yes Man and just say YES to everything. Not sure how long I could make that last but I don’t think it’s true that there is major pluses in giving things a shot. 

Just lying here right now trying to decide what to do next with my night. I don’t want to waste it but feel drained and too low to do anything. Help!

I’m worried about my Mum

I’m really worried about my Mum. She’s an amazing person. Her and my Dad were made for each other. She’s also the greatest Mum in the world and my best friend. There isn’t a person on this planet who has been more supportive with my OCD, anxiety and depression and without her, I’d probably be in a much darker place. 

Which is why I’m really concerned about her. No two bones about it, this year has been especially tough on her. Hell, it has been pretty bad for all of us. This year, I lost a very dear Uncle to cancer. He had a long fight with it and some major ups and downs. Then last November, he told us there was nothing they could do. In January he passed away. The two of them were very close. We spoke every day. She pretty much helped bring him up and their birthdays are literally next to each other. Losing my Uncle was just the biggest shock to my family and one that I doubt we will ever truly recover from. She also has to deal with a lot. She’s the engine of the family. And you know, if it wasn’t for her, I’m not sure how much would get done. My brother being autistic can be hard work, especially since he’s non-communicative.  And me, well, with my OCD being what it is and my other health issues that I’m having, I have not been easy on her either. I feel pretty guilty about that and hate that I’m adding extra pressure on her. Believe me, I would love nothing more than to snap out of it and I’m always trying new things to help but it’s a tough process. 

Anyway, Christmas is on the way and all of us can’t get into the Christmas spirit, my Mum especially. She is very down and it’s so sad to see. She’s usually very excited about Christmas but it’s so understandable. She lost her Mum this time of year and now with memories of my Uncle too, it’s just too much.  Yet she struggles on. And she looks unwell. She looks washed out and ends every day tired. She’s also losing weight because she’s not eating much, which worries me too. I want to do more to help her but my OCD gets in the way so much that it frustrates me terribly and I hate seeing her like this.  I would love to wake up tomorrow obviously and my OCD to be gone. It would be the best thing in the world for everyone. Being freaked out by contamination is horrible and every day is a struggle. But I need to help my Mum.  

Something has to change fast too. I can’t lose her. 

Hospital 

So I had a pretty messed up day. 

It all started fine. Got ready for work, started work etc. All good. I was actually pretty excited about today because I had a bunch of presents coming for my Mum’s birthday. I bought her a scarf and handbag as well as a cute hedgehog shaped key ring. All really cute things. I also ordered some China mugs from Amazon which were really sweet. 

Anyway, my package arrives about 2pm and I eagerly open it up to see the goodies and one of my mugs is smashed to pieces. Part of me is angry with the driver but then again, Amazon never put on the box that it was fragile so should I be surprised? I had to chat with them anyway and I spoke with a complete idiot who took ages to comprehend what I was saying. After forty minutes of deliberation, we finally got to the point where I got my replacement sorted and all was well in the world. Well, so at least I thought. 

About five minutes after getting back to work, I all of sudden become overcome by excruciating pain. I should add that I have been having gastrointestinal issues now for a number of years but this was pain like I’ve never felt. I was bent over on the floor, I couldn’t sit down, I couldn’t lie down. It was unbearable.  Being a stupid proud man, I tried to shake it off. “No no, it’s okay” I said while I was writhing around on the floor. This continued on for 3 and a half hours. At this point, post powerful painkillers and all my usual treatments, I said “I can’t take this anymore. I need to go to hospital”. 

Now I hate going to hospitals.  Well, specifically, I hate going to Accident and Emergency because frankly nothing ever gets resolved there. But I had no choice. I needed help and my Dad, bless him, ran me down there to help me. 

When I got there, there was the usual stick. You register at the desk and then await to be seen. I was in such excruciating pain though that I just wanted help. Eventually, a nurse saw me and she gave me some more powerful painkillers. Things began to settle down a bit at that point and I waited patiently at the waiting section to see a doctor. In the end, I waited about 90 minutes to be seen which all in all wasn’t that bad. 

The doctor sadly wasn’t much help though. She gave me a prescription for more painkillers and she said that if it gets worse to come back. Really great huh? Anyway, after a period of time, I got home and now I feel like crap. The pain is absolutely excruciating still and I really wish I could just sleep. 

Nothing says Thursday night like a hospital though. 

Did it touch? My Hair


Oh OCD! You have again

My hair may have touched the door frame.

I walked past quite carefully 

But I tripped quite unfortunately 

And my hair now doesn’t feel the same. 
I realise it may all be in my head 

Cos the thought is what fills me with dread

But I cannot quite shake 

My my hair it did take 

Some containment right to my dear bed. 
In truth I now feel quite sick 

Because my OCD is such a big prick 

But I’m going to fight 

This horrid thought right 

And I hope that will do the trick. 

Fat Shaming Social Experiment

The following video was posted on YouTube by the channel Trollstation. 

The video centres on two women who proceed to verbally abuse a fat gentleman while waiting in line at McDonalds. Please be aware that the following exchange is not pretty. Also, it is my understanding that the two women, the chunky gentleman and the guy with the drink are all actors. 

What is interesting with this video is that this is not uncommon. I have myself been verbally abused walking down the street to work by people who have stopped their car just to shout abuse at me. 

What are your thoughts?

I’ve got bigger boobs than you: dealing with man boobs

You know, one of the most awkward and uncomfortable moments of my life was when I was 14. A girl, let’s call her K, who I had a massive crush on for a few years comes up to me and says “Hey D, you have BIGGER breasts than me!” 

Yes. That is exactly the thing you want to hear from your crush. 

I hate my moobs. I don’t know why some fat guys have them and some don’t but unfortunately mine are pretty well defined. It makes me embarrassed to go. I can’t go swimming (which I used to love) and it makes me feel really worried about ever having an intimate relationship with a woman. I’m really starting to feel like I’m going to be the 40 Year old Virgin. 

It’s pretty sad right?

And yeah, I have to accept that my awful mental health problems in addition to general health problems have drastically affected my lifestyle for the past 5 years but it is still disconcerting. It also means that it is difficult for me to work out. I don’t know what I can. Part of me thinks I’ll never lose these breasts. And what woman will take a man seriously when they have them?

Welcome to my life. 

Size [Poetry In motion]

It’s about average…
At least I think it is
No rulers anymore
I’ll leave it to the floor
But that’s what I’m going with

And sure the envy is there,
You’ve seen them all before
But i’m told they’re not great
So it’s best to not hate
when less is supposedly more

So what if i’m average?
And what if i’m less?
Will I be rejected?
‘Cause how can I be respected?
It really is anyone’s guess.