Dying inside (Poem)

I come to bed at night and think
of misery that comes my way
Often not in physical form
but through my thoughts and mind instead,

A deepest darkness fills inside
And there is no real clear escape
When little things make major mountains
out of stupid little molehills that
mean much more than perhaps they should.

If folks could know when dealing with
the sadness that their comments bring
it’s just a number, that’s all it is
But to me it is my life
when you grab on to little things
those molehills put you into strife

I’ll never get my contentment back
those days are far and gone for good
I’d say I’m dying here inside
But death has come. My heart. No thud. 

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Yikes

Mentally, I’m growing through a hard time at the moment. I’m pretty low. Actually, I’m probably rock bottom. I’m posting quite a but to distract myself but fact is I don’t think I could be any lower right now. 

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. For the first time in a while. At one point today, I pressed one of my bed pillows over my face and held it down to stop me breathing. I pressed and I pressed till my chest got tight and my natural reflexes kicked in and forced it off me. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work but right there and then, I was happy to try. 

I’ve taken my medication now and I’ve settled down a bit. This whole situation with Apple has made me very low. I feel like there is no escape and that there is no one out there who can realistically help me. Part of me tries to convince me that it is not a big deal and that I can just use someone else but truth is it has been a big part of my life for quite a few years and when you are in my situation, with my health and my mental state, the little things that excite you and make you feel better are actually bigger than you realise. But all I am told is that nobody can help me. It hurts me a lot. I really don’t feel like dealing with anything else. I’ve actually wasted an entire weekend over it all. That makes me sadder. And work is tomorrow and I don’t want to deal with that. No escape. That’s exactly what it feels like. 

I just want the pain in my head to settle down. 

Disappointed with Apple

Dear readers,

I hope you’re having a great day.

I am having a bit of a to do with Apple at the moment and it is really driving me insane. I have tried to contact them on numerous occasions and indeed I’ve also tried to contact their legal team but their set up is such that it really prevents you from being able to contact anyone with ease. They do their best to make sure you can’t get to the people you want to get to.

My whole story began when months ago when apple advertised Comedy in HD on the iTunes Store for £4.99 and listed the entire nine series of How I Met Your Mother there. Being a big HIMYM fan, I was delighted to have the opportunity to purchase them all in HD so I leaped into action and purchased them all. It cost a fair bit but I was really happy to have them.

Then things started to take a turn for the worst. When I began to watch them, I noticed that the quality of the picture was really poor. Definitely substandard HD. Actually, probably substandard for standard definition. I checked a few of the series and the problem applied to all of them. What was going on? I then noticed that actually they were only broadcasting in Standard Definition and in fact the advert had misled me into purchasing them when they weren’t as described. Upset, I immediately went onto iTunes and requested refunds because the picture was substandard. I managed to request the first three series okay but then Apple locked me out. BUT I PURCHASED THEM ALL I thought. So I selected another option which was “I have decided to return these items”. Please bear in mind that I have watched no more than about 6 minutes in total and I have not downloaded any of them onto my phone etc. After I request refunds for them all, I then go onto Apple chat support and just explain to them what happened and why I did what I did. I wanted them to understand that it wasn’t me just being an idiot but literally I had been misled into purchasing something that wasn’t what it said it was. They said it was fine, not to worry and I thought that was the end of it.

Come three days later, I go to purchase a film off iTunes. I was really excited about this movie and went to the store to purchase it. What I got was a message pop up which stated that in order to purchase the item that I had to waver my right for withdrawal and if I downloaded and or viewed the product, I would not be eligible for a refund regardless. Essentially saying, if I purchase something and it is useful, a con or broken, I can’t now get a refund. And hey, they set this on me because I wanted a refund for something THEY incorrectly advertised.

I have since tried to get in touch with them and get some sense as to why they think it is okay for them to do this. I have not tried to con them; nor have I tried to get something for free. What I purchased was substandard so for them to set this on me is really rather ridiculous. I now feel like I’m a second class Apple user despite the investment that I’ve made with the company and it really puts me off using them which sucks because for the most part I like their products. But how can I agree to continue with someone that treats me in such a way?

To be honest, the whole situation makes me very down, definitely sucking into my depression. It’s actually made me feel suicidal at times and it angers me that something can have so much power on me but I have very few things I enjoy in life and Apple have sullied something I enjoyed.

That’s how I feel right now,

D