Oh OCD! You have again
My hair may have touched the door frame.
I walked past quite carefully
But I tripped quite unfortunately
And my hair now doesn’t feel the same.
I realise it may all be in my head
Cos the thought is what fills me with dread
But I cannot quite shake
My my hair it did take
Some containment right to my dear bed.
In truth I now feel quite sick
Because my OCD is such a big prick
But I’m going to fight
This horrid thought right
And I hope that will do the trick.
Wash all your OCD worries away with lovely soap. BUT. HOW does it work?
Washing your hands with soap works like this. First, you need to understand that normally, oil and water don’t mix, so when they are together they separate into two different layers. Soap is pretty cool too. What it does is that it breaks up the oil into smaller drops, which can mix with the water. It works because soap is made up of molecules with two very different ends. One end of soap molecules love water – they are hydrophilic. The other end of soap molecules hate water – they are hydrophobic. Obviously this is figuratively speaking as soap doesn’t have emotions but you know what I mean.
Hydrophobic ends of soap molecule will all attach to the oil while the opposite hydrophilic ends stick out into the water that we are washing our hands in. This causes oil drops to form.
These drops of oil are suspended in the water so the water that falls off takes the grime with it. This is how soap cleans your hands – it causes drops of grease and dirt to be pulled off your hands and suspended in water. All you need to do then is to wash them away when by rinsing your hands.
So if you are like me, and you wash your hands a lot as part of your OCD. Note that soap is our friend and that scrubbing your skin till bleeding likely won’t be any better than just some good old fashioned soap and a rinse.
Just rinse away (A Signs quote)
This video pretty much underlines the day I have had with OCD!
I’m not sure if I’m the one who walked away but either way, it was head to head all the way.
So we finally hit the middle of the week. Thank God it’s here. This week has been gruelling at work and I’ve felt like the only rest bite I have had at all is sleep. But I still don’t feel rested.
My anxiety is through the roof at the moment. My autistic brother is limping and he is unable to tell us why because he is non-communicative. It’s really stressful and it worries me. I just hope he heals up with rest and that he doesn’t need any surgical intervention as that would be all kinds of stressful. He’s a pain in the arse at times but he’s my brother and I love him. It’s funny actually because even though he is older than me, I’m more like the older brother. I’m very protective of him. Anyone with an autistic sibling will know what I mean. Unfortunately I was meant to have a therapy session yesterday but I had to cancel because my brother couldn’t sit in the car for over an hour. That sucked because therapy always boosts my mood and gives me hope that I can make progress. Now I have to wait two more weeks. You really feel it when you miss therapy. Plus I feel like I’m starting to fall back into bad compulsion habits and I need some kind of pep talk to avoid losing all the progress I’ve made. I don’t want to go back to 2 hour showers just to get to my bedroom. I’m also washing my slippers every day again. I keep reminding myself that they are warmth and not protection from dirt but I feel like I need them.
I’m also feeling anxious today because the next two days are filled with training and meetings. I literally will have no time to do anything else and big gatherings of people make me very nervous. It’s a social anxiety thing. Anxiety with me leads to more pronounced OCD rituals so it’s really taking it out of me. Right now, I can’t even get out of bed though I know I’ll have to. I constantly feel like I need a holiday right now, from OCD as much as work. If there is a God, please help me out!
Well I probably should get up now so I will bid thee farewell. Enjoy the day if you can.
Oh thank you God! Lunchtime is here. Half of the day is at least done with and I feel like I’ve got a never ending pile of work to do. I’m feeling damn sleepy too. There is no rest for the wicked nor is there any for someone with an affective disorder.
Today started off crazy as well. I came downstairs to find my mum doing some sort of spring clean in the autumn. I’m not sure why it had to be done today but I’m not one to judge. Anyways, I had some cornflakes for breakfast and off I went to work. Another day slaving over a hot keyboard. You’d think I’d be keeping away from typing during my lunch break, not blogging, but I felt it was needed to be done.
Speaking of anxiety, I don’t think anyone, in the right mind, with it should play Alien Isolation. Even though I know it’s implausible, I half expected an alien to drop from my bedroom ceiling last night which isn’t conducive to being well rested. Actually, I didn’t do much last night which is annoying by itself. I don’t know about any of you guys but after going through a bunch of rituals and with a low general mood, I find it hard to get enthused about anything. So yesterday, I got to bed, lay on my bed, played with WordPress a bit and then just did nothing. I really should force myself to do something, anything even, but I just didn’t have the enthusiasm for it. Well, besides from playing with my three blogs. Actually, I don’t know why I have three. I like sharing things, it’s therapeutic but I found it quite hard/difficult to consolidate having a blog that contained sports news, poetry, general entertainment stuff and stuff about my OCD because it would just seem a bit too flighty and unfocused. At least this way, anyone reading won’t feel obliged to read wrestling news or vice versa. I probably should care less what people think but I’m still that insecure guy that wants people to like him. I *think* I’m nice. I hope people think so too.
Anyway, it’s time for my nutrient shake and then I’m back to the drawing board. I hope you are all good and feel free to drop a line 🙂
So the weekend is nearly over and tomorrow is that time again where I have to return to work. But I just don’t feel rested. My head hurts and I know come tomorrow I’m going to be exhausted before I even press a key. Part of me hopes that rather I wake up soon from a bad dream and find out in fact that it is still Sunday morning. Eek!
My OCD has been a bit of a pain in the arse this weekend. Today for example, I changed my clothes more than a couple of times from fear of contamination and even had to wash my hair to go back to my bedroom. That’s never fun when you have to have a mini shower just to enter a room. I have regressed too which is so annoying. But yeah, today I had 3 or 4 clothes changes. A number of them were because I didn’t feel clean after going to the bathroom. The bathroom terrifies me, especially as my autistic brother makes a habit out of weeing everywhere. And I know I shouldn’t complain because he is disabled but I can’t get the thought out of my head that I’m going to get some on me and trape it everywhere. I can’t live with that risk at the moment. That being said, I even find using the toilet an anxiety provoking task and I spend ages washing myself down after using it. I can’t even pull up my trousers easily without fear of contaminating myself. It makes every day a challenge and the last few years have been harder than ever as my OCD has got much worse over this period.
And now I’m thinking about being single again and my depression kicks in. I was going to post a topic on one of my other blogs about things I’m attracted to but then I realised how futile that would be. Plus I don’t want to spend time thinking about things I’ll never have. I’m too fat to find love and too screwed up to ever fix my weight. I’m in a jail and the guard has gone home with the key. The best I can do is improvise within my four walls unless I have a visitor who can bring me some respite. But man, would I like a girlfriend. And you know what? I think I’d be a pretty great boyfriend given the chance. But people don’t overlook things like weight or baggage, especially of the mental kind, do they? *sigh*
Did I mention I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow?
So the last couple of days have been interesting. After making it through Wednesday, Thursday ended up being a disaster. If it wasn’t for some pushing through, I probably would have spent the night sleeping on the old chair downstairs to avoid the possibility of “contaminating” my room. Got to be though so that’s definitely a major victory.
But today, as yesterday, has been hard. It doesn’t help that my OCD is coupled with generalised anxiety and major depressive disorder. I’ve been low. Pretty low. I have been fixating a lot on the fact that I’m single and for all intents have spent my life single, be it not for a couple of relationships that were internet based. People don’t count them though right? That’s a sad thing to do isn’t it? Yeah, I’m sure it is.
Anyway, work was grooling today. I’m exhausted. I couldn’t wait till quitting time, even if that meant lots more cleaning to do. I have my nightly cleaning rituals. But I had a lovely dinner, even though I have the whole single thing stuck in my mind plus my autistic brother is acting very irregularly at the moment and it is worrying me a lot. He’s non-communicative and I’m scared that his change in mood is because of pain and he’s not able to tell us! I’m so frustrated. I just want to make it better. He’s limping (we think) so it might be that? I hope it fixes itself soon as I can’t stand the thought of him hurting and us not being able to help.
Now I’m in my room. Rituals are done. Sadly I forgot to bring a bottle of water to bed and I’m reluctant to go and get one because I might contaminate myself. No thank you! Still I’m really thirsty. I think I’m going to play a game now. I started Alien Isolation last week and it is so scary. I’m afraid to play it at night. I considered going on my computer for a bit instead but I don’t want to contaminate my chair. Nope. Lying on my bed and playing sounds best, even if it scares me. At least I think.