This has been a weird day 

Today has been rather strange. Well, it’s not so much strange, but it’s been a bit of a blue one. I’ve been feeling quite low. I guess with having depression and everything, this is to be expected from time to time BUT it nevertheless sucks. 

I’m feeling fat today. Well, actually I know that I am fat but the powers that be limit the amount of physical exercise I can do without causing me harm. So you know, I’ve put on a fair few pounds and it’s made me pretty fork in the mouth. My mum tells me that I should not blame myself or punish myself for something that is out of my hands and I guess she is right but it doesn’t make me feel much better. Urgh!

Anyway, work was draining today also. I’ve been working my ass of all week as usual. You can say what you want about me but I’m a dedicated hardworking person. But it’s a thankless job. I definitely need this weekend to dust away the cobwebs. 

I also feel rather bad about a situation with someone. I’m afraid I’ve hurt their feelings and I’m really not that sort of person. But my anxiety being the way it is, I just didn’t feel comfortable about doing it and so I declined. I hope it doesn’t affect what they think of me. Maybe I should be like Jim Carrey in the Yes Man and just say YES to everything. Not sure how long I could make that last but I don’t think it’s true that there is major pluses in giving things a shot. 

Just lying here right now trying to decide what to do next with my night. I don’t want to waste it but feel drained and too low to do anything. Help!

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Hospital 

So I had a pretty messed up day. 

It all started fine. Got ready for work, started work etc. All good. I was actually pretty excited about today because I had a bunch of presents coming for my Mum’s birthday. I bought her a scarf and handbag as well as a cute hedgehog shaped key ring. All really cute things. I also ordered some China mugs from Amazon which were really sweet. 

Anyway, my package arrives about 2pm and I eagerly open it up to see the goodies and one of my mugs is smashed to pieces. Part of me is angry with the driver but then again, Amazon never put on the box that it was fragile so should I be surprised? I had to chat with them anyway and I spoke with a complete idiot who took ages to comprehend what I was saying. After forty minutes of deliberation, we finally got to the point where I got my replacement sorted and all was well in the world. Well, so at least I thought. 

About five minutes after getting back to work, I all of sudden become overcome by excruciating pain. I should add that I have been having gastrointestinal issues now for a number of years but this was pain like I’ve never felt. I was bent over on the floor, I couldn’t sit down, I couldn’t lie down. It was unbearable.  Being a stupid proud man, I tried to shake it off. “No no, it’s okay” I said while I was writhing around on the floor. This continued on for 3 and a half hours. At this point, post powerful painkillers and all my usual treatments, I said “I can’t take this anymore. I need to go to hospital”. 

Now I hate going to hospitals.  Well, specifically, I hate going to Accident and Emergency because frankly nothing ever gets resolved there. But I had no choice. I needed help and my Dad, bless him, ran me down there to help me. 

When I got there, there was the usual stick. You register at the desk and then await to be seen. I was in such excruciating pain though that I just wanted help. Eventually, a nurse saw me and she gave me some more powerful painkillers. Things began to settle down a bit at that point and I waited patiently at the waiting section to see a doctor. In the end, I waited about 90 minutes to be seen which all in all wasn’t that bad. 

The doctor sadly wasn’t much help though. She gave me a prescription for more painkillers and she said that if it gets worse to come back. Really great huh? Anyway, after a period of time, I got home and now I feel like crap. The pain is absolutely excruciating still and I really wish I could just sleep. 

Nothing says Thursday night like a hospital though. 

Is there something wrong with me?

Lying here in bed all alone;
With nothing else around but my phone;
I look around to find someone;
Although my hope in that is all but gone.

Is there something wrong with me?
I know i’m not as slim as I could be!
Is there something wrong with me?
I just don’t know anymore.

I think about all of my heartbreak.
I wish I could forget it for my sake.
And while some, they hurt the most…
I don’t think I can exorcise those ghosts.

Is there something wrong with me?
I know i’m not as slim as I could be!
Is there something wrong with me?
I just don’t know anymore.

Is there something wrong with me?
I know i’m not as slim as I could be!
Is there something wrong with me?
I just don’t know anymore…

I wish this pain would exit the door.
My loneliness I’ll always abhor.

Size [Poetry In motion]

It’s about average…
At least I think it is
No rulers anymore
I’ll leave it to the floor
But that’s what I’m going with

And sure the envy is there,
You’ve seen them all before
But i’m told they’re not great
So it’s best to not hate
when less is supposedly more

So what if i’m average?
And what if i’m less?
Will I be rejected?
‘Cause how can I be respected?
It really is anyone’s guess.

I cannot sleep [A poem]

I cannot sleep

Everything’s so quiet

Nothing to do 

Or no will to just try it 

Under my duvet

I hide in the dark

Wishing for something 

Some little spark

But when life’s so black 

There’s nothing to see

No special moment 

There’s nothing for me

Oh please will this end

I need to wake up

But not from my sleep

With that I’m quite stuck. 

Oh so low

I have to be honest with you guys. The last few days have not been good. In fact, they have been far from good. Depression has set in and it has set in hard. I don’t really know why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling but it’s there and I’m low, indecisive and generally unhappy.

Little things are bothering me like whether I should buy things or whether not to. Part of me thinks I should but the other side just doesn’t care. I’m not sure whethe my lack of enthusiasm for either option highlights the fact that it’s not worth it or that I’m just not coping with things. That’s the thing about depression though. People think you are just sad but it’s much worse. There is a massive feeling of lethargy, like I have a black cloud over my head where every moment I have by myself is something to fear.  I don’t even want to go to bed tonight. I don’t want to be by myself. But I also don’t want to be a burden to other people. I know if I said to my parents that I don’t want to be alone that they’d stay with me. It would piss my autistic brother off though as he needs to impose some form of control on the situation and at night time, he thinks we should be in bed and anything but that is explosive. You see, he is non-communicative and so if he can’t get himself across through signalling of some sorts, he gets upset. I don’t blame him. I would too but it can be hard, especially when dealing with my issues. I try my best though which granted is, at times, not all that much. But like I said, I really can’t put a finger on what it is that is exactly bothering me so much. I am just incredibly unhappy at the moment. Life is tough and right now I don’t want to try. 

Anyway,

I’m signing off for now. Take care everybody. 

D