It’s My Life

I just love this song so much. 

Crank it up loud. 

Sing it proud. 

Because it’s my life. And it’s now or never. 

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Is there something wrong with me?

Lying here in bed all alone;
With nothing else around but my phone;
I look around to find someone;
Although my hope in that is all but gone.

Is there something wrong with me?
I know i’m not as slim as I could be!
Is there something wrong with me?
I just don’t know anymore.

I think about all of my heartbreak.
I wish I could forget it for my sake.
And while some, they hurt the most…
I don’t think I can exorcise those ghosts.

Is there something wrong with me?
I know i’m not as slim as I could be!
Is there something wrong with me?
I just don’t know anymore.

Is there something wrong with me?
I know i’m not as slim as I could be!
Is there something wrong with me?
I just don’t know anymore…

I wish this pain would exit the door.
My loneliness I’ll always abhor.

Music and depression 

I don’t know whether you have ever experienced this. But something that I have noticed with me, especially during my darkest days was the way I used music to accompany my depression. And when I say accompany, I don’t mean to soothe or to relax me. I listen to the music almost as if I want to encourage my depression on. It’s like I’m saying “come on! Take me under”. And I don’t quite know why that is.

I have clear recollections of being at my lowest. That deep low that only depression can take you where you want to do anything to stop the pain. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. In fact, what I was doing was more like punishing myself. Picking songs deliberately that struck a chord. Songs that reflected my mood in ways that I could verbalise. Or songs that highlighted how I’m alone, heartbroken, distraught or a failure. I can remember when I was cheated on how I would purposefully play songs that reminded me of her. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It broke me down and I don’t quite not know why I did it. It deliberately caused me pain. Part of me thinks I did it because I thought I deserved the pain. I’m a failure and that I deserve this. So listen to the damn music.

And when I have been really low about other things. The same again. I’ve listened to songs about the futility in trying and giving up when I’ve just wanted to give up. Encouraging myself to push me over the edge. It’s a bizarre, dark road that I sometimes lead myself down.

These days I still hate myself. Nothing much has changed there. And the fact that I can’t find love hurts me dearly. I look at some people who are mean and cruel or other negative things and see them woman after woman and no one even looks at me twice. It’s probably because I’m ugly and fat although no one would dare say that to my face (well, actually one girl did but that’s another story!). But now, I try to avoid that music. Living with my illnesses is more than enough punishment without punishing myself more. Sometimes that means I don’t listen to music for a while. But it’s better this way.

Do any of you ever turn to dark music when you are down?

Douchebag society


So I’ve been looking across the net for some fun things to talk about in my blogs. Since I’m currently writing three, I think it’s probably for the best to look for some inspiration every now and then. If you haven’t seen the others, please do check them out by the way!
Anyway, have any of you guys heard about Corey Feldman’s band and their performance on the Today Show? I just heard about it and I feel really bad for him. The video is below. 

Now, yeah, I know it isn’t the greatest thing in the world. It’s a bit on the alternative side shall we say. But the level of criticism he has been getting and the personal attacks is beyond uncalled for. Maxim even commented on the performance calling it an “unbelievable, batshit-insane shitshow”. 

The level of abuse Corey suffered led him to post the following message on Facebook. 

“We just wanted to tell everybody that, like, it’s been really painful. We put ourselves out there and we did the best that we could. And, like, I’ve never had such mean things said about me. Like constantly.
It was a song, okay? It wasn’t that weird. I’m sorry if it’s not good enough for you, but you don’t have to beat us up. I just want to say that, like, why is it okay to, like, publicly shame us? … I don’t understand … It’s, like, not PC to, like, say somebody is fat or somebody is white or somebody is black or somebody is yellow or green or if they have a short leg or if they have a missing finger. Like we can’t talk about these things. But it’s okay to bash Corey Feldman and the Angels. Public shaming should not be accepted, no matter who you are. It doesn’t matter if they’re a celebrity or not. We deserve love and we deserve, like, normal life … It’s not okay, it’s not acceptable to call us freaks, weirdos, losers, whatever.”

Maxim unsurprisingly found this post to be amusing, you know, like the classy magazine they are. 
For those who are unaware, Corey Feldman is an 80s child star famous for movies like Lost Boys, Gremlins, License to Drive and The Burbs. Despite fame at an early age, Feldman had a rocky life and became addicted to cocaine. His best friend, Corey Haim, died in 2010 and he has in the past spoken of how he and Haim were victims of child molestation in the 1980s. Feldman has also stated that he was raped by a man he has identified only as “Ron”, who worked as an assistant to Feldman’s father. Feldman has also identified “Ron” as having facilitated his initiation into a drug addiction. Feldman also was close to Michael Jackson as a child and whether you do or don’t believe in the child abuse claims, the relationship that Michael had with kids was unorthodox. 

What I’m trying to say is that Corey Feldman probably has one or two scars from his childhood and the media should not be dipping with comments such as that of Maxim. They should be acting responsibly. I don’t know Corey and he might be for all I know a very mentally stable and grounded human being. Then again, he might not be and people wouldn’t be too surprised. In any case, can you imagine being publicly mocked by hundreds of people who are calling you crazy. What if he actually is mentally ill? Will people take responsibility if he does something unfortunate because of the rejection and disappointment? People are really bold and brazen about dishing out punishment on the internet but I bet half of them couldn’t walk in the shoes of the people they abuse.  And I’m not saying that you must like everything but sometimes, if you have nothing nice or valuable to say, it’s probably better you say nothing at all. This group spent hours putting an album together, that’s hours of work. If it’s not to your liking, fine. Just leave the crazy and weird comments out.