Life

I’m lying in bed at quarter to nine;

And I see nothing wrong with it. 

I’m lying in bed at quarter to nine

And there’s nothing to do but wait. 

The parts of my day are grouping together 

And on them I reflect somewhat. 

My day it did feel like it went on forever 

A day where my brain did not stop. 

Anxiety; it fills all the time I have left

The time when I’m not working hard. 

It feels like I’m victim to some horrid theft. 

But that’s life; it’s a movie quite marred. 

Advertisements

Music and depression 

I don’t know whether you have ever experienced this. But something that I have noticed with me, especially during my darkest days was the way I used music to accompany my depression. And when I say accompany, I don’t mean to soothe or to relax me. I listen to the music almost as if I want to encourage my depression on. It’s like I’m saying “come on! Take me under”. And I don’t quite know why that is.

I have clear recollections of being at my lowest. That deep low that only depression can take you where you want to do anything to stop the pain. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. In fact, what I was doing was more like punishing myself. Picking songs deliberately that struck a chord. Songs that reflected my mood in ways that I could verbalise. Or songs that highlighted how I’m alone, heartbroken, distraught or a failure. I can remember when I was cheated on how I would purposefully play songs that reminded me of her. It hurt. It hurt a lot. It broke me down and I don’t quite not know why I did it. It deliberately caused me pain. Part of me thinks I did it because I thought I deserved the pain. I’m a failure and that I deserve this. So listen to the damn music.

And when I have been really low about other things. The same again. I’ve listened to songs about the futility in trying and giving up when I’ve just wanted to give up. Encouraging myself to push me over the edge. It’s a bizarre, dark road that I sometimes lead myself down.

These days I still hate myself. Nothing much has changed there. And the fact that I can’t find love hurts me dearly. I look at some people who are mean and cruel or other negative things and see them woman after woman and no one even looks at me twice. It’s probably because I’m ugly and fat although no one would dare say that to my face (well, actually one girl did but that’s another story!). But now, I try to avoid that music. Living with my illnesses is more than enough punishment without punishing myself more. Sometimes that means I don’t listen to music for a while. But it’s better this way.

Do any of you ever turn to dark music when you are down?

Douchebag society


So I’ve been looking across the net for some fun things to talk about in my blogs. Since I’m currently writing three, I think it’s probably for the best to look for some inspiration every now and then. If you haven’t seen the others, please do check them out by the way!
Anyway, have any of you guys heard about Corey Feldman’s band and their performance on the Today Show? I just heard about it and I feel really bad for him. The video is below. 

Now, yeah, I know it isn’t the greatest thing in the world. It’s a bit on the alternative side shall we say. But the level of criticism he has been getting and the personal attacks is beyond uncalled for. Maxim even commented on the performance calling it an “unbelievable, batshit-insane shitshow”. 

The level of abuse Corey suffered led him to post the following message on Facebook. 

“We just wanted to tell everybody that, like, it’s been really painful. We put ourselves out there and we did the best that we could. And, like, I’ve never had such mean things said about me. Like constantly.
It was a song, okay? It wasn’t that weird. I’m sorry if it’s not good enough for you, but you don’t have to beat us up. I just want to say that, like, why is it okay to, like, publicly shame us? … I don’t understand … It’s, like, not PC to, like, say somebody is fat or somebody is white or somebody is black or somebody is yellow or green or if they have a short leg or if they have a missing finger. Like we can’t talk about these things. But it’s okay to bash Corey Feldman and the Angels. Public shaming should not be accepted, no matter who you are. It doesn’t matter if they’re a celebrity or not. We deserve love and we deserve, like, normal life … It’s not okay, it’s not acceptable to call us freaks, weirdos, losers, whatever.”

Maxim unsurprisingly found this post to be amusing, you know, like the classy magazine they are. 
For those who are unaware, Corey Feldman is an 80s child star famous for movies like Lost Boys, Gremlins, License to Drive and The Burbs. Despite fame at an early age, Feldman had a rocky life and became addicted to cocaine. His best friend, Corey Haim, died in 2010 and he has in the past spoken of how he and Haim were victims of child molestation in the 1980s. Feldman has also stated that he was raped by a man he has identified only as “Ron”, who worked as an assistant to Feldman’s father. Feldman has also identified “Ron” as having facilitated his initiation into a drug addiction. Feldman also was close to Michael Jackson as a child and whether you do or don’t believe in the child abuse claims, the relationship that Michael had with kids was unorthodox. 

What I’m trying to say is that Corey Feldman probably has one or two scars from his childhood and the media should not be dipping with comments such as that of Maxim. They should be acting responsibly. I don’t know Corey and he might be for all I know a very mentally stable and grounded human being. Then again, he might not be and people wouldn’t be too surprised. In any case, can you imagine being publicly mocked by hundreds of people who are calling you crazy. What if he actually is mentally ill? Will people take responsibility if he does something unfortunate because of the rejection and disappointment? People are really bold and brazen about dishing out punishment on the internet but I bet half of them couldn’t walk in the shoes of the people they abuse.  And I’m not saying that you must like everything but sometimes, if you have nothing nice or valuable to say, it’s probably better you say nothing at all. This group spent hours putting an album together, that’s hours of work. If it’s not to your liking, fine. Just leave the crazy and weird comments out. 

Hump day Slump day

Morning everyone!

So we finally hit the middle of the week. Thank God it’s here. This week has been gruelling at work and I’ve felt like the only rest bite I have had at all is sleep. But I still don’t feel rested. 

My anxiety is through the roof at the moment. My autistic brother is limping and he is unable to tell us why because he is non-communicative. It’s really stressful and it worries me. I just hope he heals up with rest and that he doesn’t need any surgical intervention as that would be all kinds of stressful. He’s a pain in the arse at times but he’s my brother and I love him. It’s funny actually because even though he is older than me, I’m more like the older brother. I’m very protective of him. Anyone with an autistic sibling will know what I mean. Unfortunately I was meant to have a therapy session yesterday but I had to cancel because my brother couldn’t sit in the car for over an hour. That sucked because therapy always boosts my mood and gives me hope that I can make progress. Now I have to wait two more weeks. You really feel it when you miss therapy. Plus I feel like I’m starting to fall back into bad compulsion habits and I need some kind of pep talk to avoid losing all the progress I’ve made.  I don’t want to go back to 2 hour showers just to get to my bedroom. I’m also washing my slippers every day again. I keep reminding myself that they are warmth and not protection from dirt but I feel like I need them. 

I’m also feeling anxious today because the next two days are filled with training and meetings. I literally will have no time to do anything else and big gatherings of people make me very nervous. It’s a social anxiety thing. Anxiety with me leads to more pronounced OCD rituals so it’s really taking it out of me. Right now, I can’t even get out of bed though I know I’ll have to. I constantly feel like I need a holiday right now, from OCD as much as work. If there is a God, please help me out!

Well I probably should get up now so I will bid thee farewell. Enjoy the day if you can. 

Made it to the weekend (huzzah!)

So the last couple of days have been interesting. After making it through Wednesday, Thursday ended up being a disaster. If it wasn’t for some pushing through, I probably would have spent the night sleeping on the old chair downstairs to avoid the possibility of “contaminating” my room. Got to be though so that’s definitely a major victory.

But today, as yesterday, has been hard. It doesn’t help that my OCD is coupled with generalised anxiety and major depressive disorder. I’ve been low. Pretty low. I have been fixating a lot on the fact that I’m single and for all intents have spent my life single, be it not for a couple of relationships that were internet based. People don’t count them though right? That’s a sad thing to do isn’t it? Yeah, I’m sure it is. 

Anyway, work was grooling today. I’m exhausted. I couldn’t wait till quitting time, even if that meant lots more cleaning to do. I have my nightly cleaning rituals. But I had a lovely dinner, even though I have the whole single thing stuck in my mind plus my autistic brother is acting very irregularly at the moment and it is worrying me a lot. He’s non-communicative and I’m scared that his change in mood is because of pain and he’s not able to tell us! I’m so frustrated. I just want to make it better. He’s limping (we think) so it might be that? I hope it fixes itself soon as I can’t stand the thought of him hurting and us not being able to help. 

Now I’m in my room. Rituals are done. Sadly I forgot to bring a bottle of water to bed and I’m reluctant to go and get one because I might contaminate myself. No thank you! Still I’m really thirsty. I think I’m going to play a game now. I started Alien Isolation last week and it is so scary. I’m afraid to play it at night. I considered going on my computer for a bit instead but I don’t want to contaminate my chair. Nope. Lying on my bed and playing sounds best, even if it scares me. At least I think. 

Days like these

There are certain days in the life of someone with OCD where you find that everything you are trying to achieve, i.e. in terms of moving forward is going well. You avoided washing your hands that time or you didn’t do X Y or Z compulsion. And then there are days like today. 

Today was about survival. From the moment I woke up my OCD was at me. My slippers were no longer parallel. The cable of my computer was making too much contact on the floor. My cat sneezed on me. It seemed like everything was getting to me and it was bumming me out. In the end, I just had to work through it tselling myself the same things about being good enough

My slippers were clean enough. My hands were washed enough. Things of that nature. It’s hard to play to chance especially when you are OCD. If you think you are going to die from stepping on cracks, you don’t really feel the compulsion to chance it but avoid it at all means necessary.  But avoidance and acting upon compulsions is bad for you. It strengthens the feeling and the obsession. I used to be able to open doors with my hands but the fact that I used my elbows to open the doors had meant now that even if I try to touch them, I panic. They look grimey. They look dirty. It could be lacker but it could also be pooh or dirt. I don’t want to take that chance. One day I know I’ll have to face it. But today wasn’t that day. Today was just about getting by. 

By the end of the day and 7pm passed, I had enough. It was time for bed and the tedious task of decontaminating before entering my room. Luckily I’ve been improving on that and an hour and a half task is now just 20-30 minutes. I just need to wipe the surfaces before hand. Anyone with actual OCD would know what I mean. I can’t stand it when people say they are a little bit OCD. It’s not a quirky little personality trait. It’s really hell. But anyway, I’m here in bed now and the world seems relatively okay. Still, I’m feeling low but that’s okay because today I’m getting by.