I come to bed at night and think
of misery that comes my way
Often not in physical form
but through my thoughts and mind instead,
A deepest darkness fills inside
And there is no real clear escape
When little things make major mountains
out of stupid little molehills that
mean much more than perhaps they should.
If folks could know when dealing with
the sadness that their comments bring
it’s just a number, that’s all it is
But to me it is my life
when you grab on to little things
those molehills put you into strife
I’ll never get my contentment back
those days are far and gone for good
I’d say I’m dying here inside
But death has come. My heart. No thud.
Mentally, I’m growing through a hard time at the moment. I’m pretty low. Actually, I’m probably rock bottom. I’m posting quite a but to distract myself but fact is I don’t think I could be any lower right now.
I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. For the first time in a while. At one point today, I pressed one of my bed pillows over my face and held it down to stop me breathing. I pressed and I pressed till my chest got tight and my natural reflexes kicked in and forced it off me. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work but right there and then, I was happy to try.
I’ve taken my medication now and I’ve settled down a bit. This whole situation with Apple has made me very low. I feel like there is no escape and that there is no one out there who can realistically help me. Part of me tries to convince me that it is not a big deal and that I can just use someone else but truth is it has been a big part of my life for quite a few years and when you are in my situation, with my health and my mental state, the little things that excite you and make you feel better are actually bigger than you realise. But all I am told is that nobody can help me. It hurts me a lot. I really don’t feel like dealing with anything else. I’ve actually wasted an entire weekend over it all. That makes me sadder. And work is tomorrow and I don’t want to deal with that. No escape. That’s exactly what it feels like.
I just want the pain in my head to settle down.
Oh OCD! You have again
My hair may have touched the door frame.
I walked past quite carefully
But I tripped quite unfortunately
And my hair now doesn’t feel the same.
I realise it may all be in my head
Cos the thought is what fills me with dread
But I cannot quite shake
My my hair it did take
Some containment right to my dear bed.
In truth I now feel quite sick
Because my OCD is such a big prick
But I’m going to fight
This horrid thought right
And I hope that will do the trick.
Am I mad?
I think I might be.
Is that bad?
Well more than likely.
I met a fish
His name was Bob.
He told me things.
Hmm, that’s kinda odd.
A fish that talks?
Okay that’s crazy
But that little dude…
…he was so lazy.
I counted daffodils.
They made me smile.
I do like yellow.
It’s back in style.
You know they danced?
In front of me…
But I’m not queen.
Not Freddy Mercury.
I think I’m mad.
But I don’t feel blue.
It’s kind of fun.
You could be too.
The more I am online, the more unsurprised I become.
Looking through WordPress and indeed the Internet, it amazes me just how many people stigmatise and shame your larger than average person. There are posts on here that speak of “fat” people having lower IQs and that they require a better general education. They also ferociously mock and even abuse people who disagree.
I’m really sad to read this if I’m honest. As someone who suffers from mental health problems, I know that my weight fluctuates a lot dependent on my mood, my levels of anxiety and so on. I know I’m not thin or even average. I also have a very low self esteem which is, in part, down to my body perception. I’ve even said I hate myself many times before. I also imagine I am not alone in feeling this way. Stigmatising someone is a horrible thing. Some people seem so happy to stick labels on you too.
People assume too much. If someone over eats, it’s because of being “stupid” or lack of will power. You assume it is their fault. They are weak or a failure. Or if domain is depressed or have OCD, they should just snap out of it like it is some easy thing to just do. If someone is mentally ill or if someone is obese or overweight, it shouldn’t be okay to mock someone or treat them like garbage. No one is the same. It doesn’t mean that they are overweight because they are lazy. That’s a judgement. If someone barely has the energy to get out of bed every day because of depression, they may not having going for a 5 mile run high on the agenda. Some days, getting by is all you can do. Before you mock someone or shame them, perhaps you should try walking in their shoes. Many people are obese because they are trapped or because they have to prioritise. It doesn’t mean they are happy about it. Some people even get really upset by it. Life is not straight forward.
People should spend last time judging others and focusing on themselves. And if they really feel the need to involve themselves with other people, perhaps they might offer to listen rather than mock them or tell them they are stupid.
*Sorry if this does not make much sense – I am very angry right now*
I cannot sleep
Everything’s so quiet
Nothing to do
Or no will to just try it
Under my duvet
I hide in the dark
Wishing for something
Some little spark
But when life’s so black
There’s nothing to see
No special moment
There’s nothing for me
Oh please will this end
I need to wake up
But not from my sleep
With that I’m quite stuck.
I have to be honest with you guys. The last few days have not been good. In fact, they have been far from good. Depression has set in and it has set in hard. I don’t really know why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling but it’s there and I’m low, indecisive and generally unhappy.
Little things are bothering me like whether I should buy things or whether not to. Part of me thinks I should but the other side just doesn’t care. I’m not sure whethe my lack of enthusiasm for either option highlights the fact that it’s not worth it or that I’m just not coping with things. That’s the thing about depression though. People think you are just sad but it’s much worse. There is a massive feeling of lethargy, like I have a black cloud over my head where every moment I have by myself is something to fear. I don’t even want to go to bed tonight. I don’t want to be by myself. But I also don’t want to be a burden to other people. I know if I said to my parents that I don’t want to be alone that they’d stay with me. It would piss my autistic brother off though as he needs to impose some form of control on the situation and at night time, he thinks we should be in bed and anything but that is explosive. You see, he is non-communicative and so if he can’t get himself across through signalling of some sorts, he gets upset. I don’t blame him. I would too but it can be hard, especially when dealing with my issues. I try my best though which granted is, at times, not all that much. But like I said, I really can’t put a finger on what it is that is exactly bothering me so much. I am just incredibly unhappy at the moment. Life is tough and right now I don’t want to try.
I’m signing off for now. Take care everybody.