This has been a weird day 

Today has been rather strange. Well, it’s not so much strange, but it’s been a bit of a blue one. I’ve been feeling quite low. I guess with having depression and everything, this is to be expected from time to time BUT it nevertheless sucks. 

I’m feeling fat today. Well, actually I know that I am fat but the powers that be limit the amount of physical exercise I can do without causing me harm. So you know, I’ve put on a fair few pounds and it’s made me pretty fork in the mouth. My mum tells me that I should not blame myself or punish myself for something that is out of my hands and I guess she is right but it doesn’t make me feel much better. Urgh!

Anyway, work was draining today also. I’ve been working my ass of all week as usual. You can say what you want about me but I’m a dedicated hardworking person. But it’s a thankless job. I definitely need this weekend to dust away the cobwebs. 

I also feel rather bad about a situation with someone. I’m afraid I’ve hurt their feelings and I’m really not that sort of person. But my anxiety being the way it is, I just didn’t feel comfortable about doing it and so I declined. I hope it doesn’t affect what they think of me. Maybe I should be like Jim Carrey in the Yes Man and just say YES to everything. Not sure how long I could make that last but I don’t think it’s true that there is major pluses in giving things a shot. 

Just lying here right now trying to decide what to do next with my night. I don’t want to waste it but feel drained and too low to do anything. Help!

Missing the Old Days


I’m feeling quite down tonight; I’m thinking of old times. Specifically I’m thinking about my time at University. A time before I was diagnosed with all my mental health problems. It was a simpler time. One that for one year was ABSOLUTELY perfect. Whenever I hear music from that time, it brings me right back. And my stomach fills with butterflies. 

I hated school you see. I never knew who I was. I was always an outcast. Sure, I had some friends but we were always people on the periphery. In fact, we probably never really liked each other that much. We just had nobody else. And when I left school, I said to myself that I’d never go back. It was over and I was only going to live for the future. 

When I started uni, I was really nervous. I barely touched alcohol. The most I had was a bit of Bacardi at Christmas and the ocassional Millers that my Mum bought me. I had to live off campus at the start at this satellite place. I was scared from being alone from my parents and I cried when my Dad left. I didn’t even know there was a bus that took me into uni and I thought I had to walk for ages and spend loads of money on trains to get where I needed to be. Luckily, when I went into the communal kitchen, I met some of my new housemates include this really great law student and one of the most beautiful girls I’ve ever known. I fancied her like crazy but she already had a boyfriend and I’m the sort of guy that respects that. Plus she was WAY out of my league. I got on really well with my new housemates and became friends though when I started my degree, I immediately met like minded people who I had made stronger bonds with. Some who I even speak to now. 

As time moved on, things got better. I moved to a halls of residence close to campus. I took my first venture to a union bar. Was coaxed to a club for the first time by some of my friends (I had a great time by the way); discovered one of my new flat mates had lovely boobs (no I never hooked up with her but clubs have interesting dress codes). I made some even closer friends. Became a music “expert”. Bought more CDs than ever before.  Went out to town with friends. Went to country pubs. I fell in love deeply for the first time (I met the girl I thought I was going to marry). I did well with my course. I had a social life. Hell, I was a student bar most nights. Life was the best it had ever been. 

I made the mistake of keeping in touch with one guy from school though. 

I was under the impression that we were friends. And I felt bad for him. He screwed up in his final year of school and redid his final year again. He originally wanted to do engineering but had a change of heart to do art instead. I wanted him to get ahead and I was loving uni life so I didn’t want him to miss out so I convinced him to apply to the neighbouring university. I wanted to share the happiness. He got into the university and I was happy for him. Plus he would be living with us. I should have known that was a bad idea from the time he visited us. But I was idealistic. Naive. Happy. 

In the following two years, the happiness I had collapsed. He took over. He influenced other friends of mine and I partly blame him for one guy underachieving with dreams of bands and stuff. He made a play on the girl I was in love with and told her crap about me. She met another guy the day he first visited me and she ended up marrying him. She even has a child with him. That broke my heat probably the worst. And after the end of the second year where I drank too much, thought hard about killing myself and being genuinely miserable, I nearly decided to never go back. My good deed ended up ruining my life. My degree was in tatters. And in the third year, well the third year I ended up consolidating. I shut myself off from the world. I cried a lot. I lived in hope that I could still get a good enough grade for medical school but it was too little too late. I left uni heartbroken, completely messed up and failing to achieve what I wanted to. And all that I am left with are these amazing tunes that remind me of that perfect year. 

These days, my OCD and depression are the worst they have been.  I’m socially anxious. Hell, I’m anxious about everything and I’ve lost touch with most of my friends. A knock on effect of the shame of flunking and the pain I went through. I can no longer drink beer with gluten in. In fact, I can’t eat anything with gluten in. I never leave the house unless I’m going to hospital. My life is a shadow of that great time. 

I look back it all and it to this day day, even though it happened over ten years ago haunts me. I think of what I lost. What I had. What I could have had. God it hurts so much. 

Dying inside (Poem)

I come to bed at night and think
of misery that comes my way
Often not in physical form
but through my thoughts and mind instead,

A deepest darkness fills inside
And there is no real clear escape
When little things make major mountains
out of stupid little molehills that
mean much more than perhaps they should.

If folks could know when dealing with
the sadness that their comments bring
it’s just a number, that’s all it is
But to me it is my life
when you grab on to little things
those molehills put you into strife

I’ll never get my contentment back
those days are far and gone for good
I’d say I’m dying here inside
But death has come. My heart. No thud. 

Yikes

Mentally, I’m growing through a hard time at the moment. I’m pretty low. Actually, I’m probably rock bottom. I’m posting quite a but to distract myself but fact is I don’t think I could be any lower right now. 

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. For the first time in a while. At one point today, I pressed one of my bed pillows over my face and held it down to stop me breathing. I pressed and I pressed till my chest got tight and my natural reflexes kicked in and forced it off me. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work but right there and then, I was happy to try. 

I’ve taken my medication now and I’ve settled down a bit. This whole situation with Apple has made me very low. I feel like there is no escape and that there is no one out there who can realistically help me. Part of me tries to convince me that it is not a big deal and that I can just use someone else but truth is it has been a big part of my life for quite a few years and when you are in my situation, with my health and my mental state, the little things that excite you and make you feel better are actually bigger than you realise. But all I am told is that nobody can help me. It hurts me a lot. I really don’t feel like dealing with anything else. I’ve actually wasted an entire weekend over it all. That makes me sadder. And work is tomorrow and I don’t want to deal with that. No escape. That’s exactly what it feels like. 

I just want the pain in my head to settle down. 

Disappointed with Apple

Dear readers,

I hope you’re having a great day.

I am having a bit of a to do with Apple at the moment and it is really driving me insane. I have tried to contact them on numerous occasions and indeed I’ve also tried to contact their legal team but their set up is such that it really prevents you from being able to contact anyone with ease. They do their best to make sure you can’t get to the people you want to get to.

My whole story began when months ago when apple advertised Comedy in HD on the iTunes Store for £4.99 and listed the entire nine series of How I Met Your Mother there. Being a big HIMYM fan, I was delighted to have the opportunity to purchase them all in HD so I leaped into action and purchased them all. It cost a fair bit but I was really happy to have them.

Then things started to take a turn for the worst. When I began to watch them, I noticed that the quality of the picture was really poor. Definitely substandard HD. Actually, probably substandard for standard definition. I checked a few of the series and the problem applied to all of them. What was going on? I then noticed that actually they were only broadcasting in Standard Definition and in fact the advert had misled me into purchasing them when they weren’t as described. Upset, I immediately went onto iTunes and requested refunds because the picture was substandard. I managed to request the first three series okay but then Apple locked me out. BUT I PURCHASED THEM ALL I thought. So I selected another option which was “I have decided to return these items”. Please bear in mind that I have watched no more than about 6 minutes in total and I have not downloaded any of them onto my phone etc. After I request refunds for them all, I then go onto Apple chat support and just explain to them what happened and why I did what I did. I wanted them to understand that it wasn’t me just being an idiot but literally I had been misled into purchasing something that wasn’t what it said it was. They said it was fine, not to worry and I thought that was the end of it.

Come three days later, I go to purchase a film off iTunes. I was really excited about this movie and went to the store to purchase it. What I got was a message pop up which stated that in order to purchase the item that I had to waver my right for withdrawal and if I downloaded and or viewed the product, I would not be eligible for a refund regardless. Essentially saying, if I purchase something and it is useful, a con or broken, I can’t now get a refund. And hey, they set this on me because I wanted a refund for something THEY incorrectly advertised.

I have since tried to get in touch with them and get some sense as to why they think it is okay for them to do this. I have not tried to con them; nor have I tried to get something for free. What I purchased was substandard so for them to set this on me is really rather ridiculous. I now feel like I’m a second class Apple user despite the investment that I’ve made with the company and it really puts me off using them which sucks because for the most part I like their products. But how can I agree to continue with someone that treats me in such a way?

To be honest, the whole situation makes me very down, definitely sucking into my depression. It’s actually made me feel suicidal at times and it angers me that something can have so much power on me but I have very few things I enjoy in life and Apple have sullied something I enjoyed.

That’s how I feel right now,

D

I’ve got bigger boobs than you: dealing with man boobs

You know, one of the most awkward and uncomfortable moments of my life was when I was 14. A girl, let’s call her K, who I had a massive crush on for a few years comes up to me and says “Hey D, you have BIGGER breasts than me!” 

Yes. That is exactly the thing you want to hear from your crush. 

I hate my moobs. I don’t know why some fat guys have them and some don’t but unfortunately mine are pretty well defined. It makes me embarrassed to go. I can’t go swimming (which I used to love) and it makes me feel really worried about ever having an intimate relationship with a woman. I’m really starting to feel like I’m going to be the 40 Year old Virgin. 

It’s pretty sad right?

And yeah, I have to accept that my awful mental health problems in addition to general health problems have drastically affected my lifestyle for the past 5 years but it is still disconcerting. It also means that it is difficult for me to work out. I don’t know what I can. Part of me thinks I’ll never lose these breasts. And what woman will take a man seriously when they have them?

Welcome to my life. 

Fat shaming online 

The more I am online, the more unsurprised I become. 

Looking through WordPress and indeed the Internet, it amazes me just how many people stigmatise and shame your larger than average person. There are posts on here that speak of “fat” people having lower IQs and that they require a better general education. They also ferociously mock and even abuse people who disagree. 

I’m really sad to read this if I’m honest. As someone who suffers from mental health problems, I know that my weight fluctuates a lot dependent on my mood, my levels of anxiety and so on. I know I’m not thin or even average. I also have a very low self esteem which is, in part, down to my body perception. I’ve even said I hate myself many times before. I also imagine I am not alone in feeling this way. Stigmatising someone is a horrible thing. Some people seem so happy to stick labels on you too. 

People assume too much. If someone over eats, it’s because of being “stupid” or lack of will power. You assume it is their fault. They are weak or a failure. Or if domain is depressed or have OCD, they should just snap out of it like it is some easy thing to just do. If someone is mentally ill or if someone is obese or overweight, it shouldn’t be okay to mock someone or treat them like garbage. No one is the same. It doesn’t mean that they are overweight because they are lazy. That’s a judgement. If someone barely has the energy to get out of bed every day because of depression, they may not having going for a 5 mile run high on the agenda. Some days, getting by is all you can do. Before you mock someone or shame them, perhaps you should try walking in their shoes.  Many people are obese because they are trapped or because they have to prioritise. It doesn’t mean they are happy about it. Some people even get really upset by it. Life is not straight forward. 

People should spend last time judging others and focusing on themselves. And if they really feel the need to involve themselves with other people, perhaps they might offer to listen rather than mock them or tell them they are stupid. 

*Sorry if this does not make much sense – I am very angry right now*