This has been a weird day 

Today has been rather strange. Well, it’s not so much strange, but it’s been a bit of a blue one. I’ve been feeling quite low. I guess with having depression and everything, this is to be expected from time to time BUT it nevertheless sucks. 

I’m feeling fat today. Well, actually I know that I am fat but the powers that be limit the amount of physical exercise I can do without causing me harm. So you know, I’ve put on a fair few pounds and it’s made me pretty fork in the mouth. My mum tells me that I should not blame myself or punish myself for something that is out of my hands and I guess she is right but it doesn’t make me feel much better. Urgh!

Anyway, work was draining today also. I’ve been working my ass of all week as usual. You can say what you want about me but I’m a dedicated hardworking person. But it’s a thankless job. I definitely need this weekend to dust away the cobwebs. 

I also feel rather bad about a situation with someone. I’m afraid I’ve hurt their feelings and I’m really not that sort of person. But my anxiety being the way it is, I just didn’t feel comfortable about doing it and so I declined. I hope it doesn’t affect what they think of me. Maybe I should be like Jim Carrey in the Yes Man and just say YES to everything. Not sure how long I could make that last but I don’t think it’s true that there is major pluses in giving things a shot. 

Just lying here right now trying to decide what to do next with my night. I don’t want to waste it but feel drained and too low to do anything. Help!


Fat shaming online 

The more I am online, the more unsurprised I become. 

Looking through WordPress and indeed the Internet, it amazes me just how many people stigmatise and shame your larger than average person. There are posts on here that speak of “fat” people having lower IQs and that they require a better general education. They also ferociously mock and even abuse people who disagree. 

I’m really sad to read this if I’m honest. As someone who suffers from mental health problems, I know that my weight fluctuates a lot dependent on my mood, my levels of anxiety and so on. I know I’m not thin or even average. I also have a very low self esteem which is, in part, down to my body perception. I’ve even said I hate myself many times before. I also imagine I am not alone in feeling this way. Stigmatising someone is a horrible thing. Some people seem so happy to stick labels on you too. 

People assume too much. If someone over eats, it’s because of being “stupid” or lack of will power. You assume it is their fault. They are weak or a failure. Or if domain is depressed or have OCD, they should just snap out of it like it is some easy thing to just do. If someone is mentally ill or if someone is obese or overweight, it shouldn’t be okay to mock someone or treat them like garbage. No one is the same. It doesn’t mean that they are overweight because they are lazy. That’s a judgement. If someone barely has the energy to get out of bed every day because of depression, they may not having going for a 5 mile run high on the agenda. Some days, getting by is all you can do. Before you mock someone or shame them, perhaps you should try walking in their shoes.  Many people are obese because they are trapped or because they have to prioritise. It doesn’t mean they are happy about it. Some people even get really upset by it. Life is not straight forward. 

People should spend last time judging others and focusing on themselves. And if they really feel the need to involve themselves with other people, perhaps they might offer to listen rather than mock them or tell them they are stupid. 

*Sorry if this does not make much sense – I am very angry right now*

Douchebag society

So I’ve been looking across the net for some fun things to talk about in my blogs. Since I’m currently writing three, I think it’s probably for the best to look for some inspiration every now and then. If you haven’t seen the others, please do check them out by the way!
Anyway, have any of you guys heard about Corey Feldman’s band and their performance on the Today Show? I just heard about it and I feel really bad for him. The video is below. 

Now, yeah, I know it isn’t the greatest thing in the world. It’s a bit on the alternative side shall we say. But the level of criticism he has been getting and the personal attacks is beyond uncalled for. Maxim even commented on the performance calling it an “unbelievable, batshit-insane shitshow”. 

The level of abuse Corey suffered led him to post the following message on Facebook. 

“We just wanted to tell everybody that, like, it’s been really painful. We put ourselves out there and we did the best that we could. And, like, I’ve never had such mean things said about me. Like constantly.
It was a song, okay? It wasn’t that weird. I’m sorry if it’s not good enough for you, but you don’t have to beat us up. I just want to say that, like, why is it okay to, like, publicly shame us? … I don’t understand … It’s, like, not PC to, like, say somebody is fat or somebody is white or somebody is black or somebody is yellow or green or if they have a short leg or if they have a missing finger. Like we can’t talk about these things. But it’s okay to bash Corey Feldman and the Angels. Public shaming should not be accepted, no matter who you are. It doesn’t matter if they’re a celebrity or not. We deserve love and we deserve, like, normal life … It’s not okay, it’s not acceptable to call us freaks, weirdos, losers, whatever.”

Maxim unsurprisingly found this post to be amusing, you know, like the classy magazine they are. 
For those who are unaware, Corey Feldman is an 80s child star famous for movies like Lost Boys, Gremlins, License to Drive and The Burbs. Despite fame at an early age, Feldman had a rocky life and became addicted to cocaine. His best friend, Corey Haim, died in 2010 and he has in the past spoken of how he and Haim were victims of child molestation in the 1980s. Feldman has also stated that he was raped by a man he has identified only as “Ron”, who worked as an assistant to Feldman’s father. Feldman has also identified “Ron” as having facilitated his initiation into a drug addiction. Feldman also was close to Michael Jackson as a child and whether you do or don’t believe in the child abuse claims, the relationship that Michael had with kids was unorthodox. 

What I’m trying to say is that Corey Feldman probably has one or two scars from his childhood and the media should not be dipping with comments such as that of Maxim. They should be acting responsibly. I don’t know Corey and he might be for all I know a very mentally stable and grounded human being. Then again, he might not be and people wouldn’t be too surprised. In any case, can you imagine being publicly mocked by hundreds of people who are calling you crazy. What if he actually is mentally ill? Will people take responsibility if he does something unfortunate because of the rejection and disappointment? People are really bold and brazen about dishing out punishment on the internet but I bet half of them couldn’t walk in the shoes of the people they abuse.  And I’m not saying that you must like everything but sometimes, if you have nothing nice or valuable to say, it’s probably better you say nothing at all. This group spent hours putting an album together, that’s hours of work. If it’s not to your liking, fine. Just leave the crazy and weird comments out. 

How does soap work?

Wash all your OCD worries away with lovely soap. BUT. HOW does it work?

Washing your hands with soap works like this. First, you need to understand that normally, oil and water don’t mix, so when they are together they separate into two different layers. Soap is pretty cool too. What it does is that it breaks up the oil into smaller drops, which can mix with the water. It works because soap is made up of molecules with two very different ends. One end of soap molecules love water – they are hydrophilic. The other end of soap molecules hate water – they are hydrophobic. Obviously this is figuratively speaking as soap doesn’t have emotions but you know what I mean. 

Hydrophobic ends of soap molecule will all attach to the oil while the opposite hydrophilic ends stick out into the water that we are washing our hands in. This causes oil drops to form.
These drops of oil are suspended in the water so the water that falls off takes the grime with it.  This is how soap cleans your hands – it causes drops of grease and dirt to be pulled off your hands and suspended in water. All you need to do then is to wash them away when by rinsing your hands. 

So if you are like me, and you wash your hands a lot as part of your OCD. Note that soap is our friend and that scrubbing your skin till bleeding likely won’t be any better than just some good old fashioned soap and a rinse. 

Just rinse away (A Signs quote)

Dating: WTF

“I have experienced bad dating and ineptitude with women all across the globe, from Vietnam to Paris. When I was 21, women were an enigma; they were this code that had to be cracked. They were ‘The Other.’ I have often thought writing this stuff into stand-up and shows would be an exorcism, but it hasn’t been; it makes no difference”
Stephen Merchant

So dating, huh? It’s rather mad. I’m 32 years old now and it still does my head in. I still don’t get the rules. 

Everyone keeps telling me that I need to get out there and meet someone. My mum jokes that she wants grand kids soon. I hear you Mum! But dating is far from easy, despite what people say. And it’s even harder if you have an anxiety disorder. 

But anyway, I don’t want to make this post about my anxiety issues or even my other underlying health issues (a slight segway here but I do have some other immune system issues that make getting around less easy than I’d like). I want it to be about dating and the crazy dating game.

Now I’m a fat guy. Not just a little chubby either but a decent sized belly. I have my reasons for this and I’m sure some folk could debate their validity but that isn’t the point here. Dating would baffle me regardless of my weight. It’s just that being heavy means that less women are interested. Fair enough. If you want to judge my suitability as a partner on the basis of my shape, then good luck finding what you are looking for. But that’s not my concern. My concern is about finding my happiness. 

Anyway, I digress. 

So dating is confusing. My current situation doesn’t permit me a lot of elbow room either. I don’t really socialise. I don’t go to bars or clubs or do any evening courses etc. I work long hard hours and then I zone out. This might be part of my problem but I’m not going to be able to change that easily because I’m not well enough to be spontaneously going out and too anxious to make a move in person anyway. My mum swears one time when I was out with her, there was a girl in the Apple Store making a play for me and I didn’t even notice. That or she is blind. I often find it incomprehensible to imagine someone being attracted to me. Yeah, my confidence is not good.

I have tried online dating a couple of times too. Once with a free site and once with a paid. That’s weird. I get really nervous and vulnerable whenever I put myself out there in a message and I’ll check my phone repeatedly in the hope that someone is interested. And I get really sad when I get rejected because in my head, when someone says “you aren’t my type” or that they aren’t interested, in my head I’m hearing “sorry but you are too fat for me or boring”. Consequently I’ve avoided online dating for a while. Rejection hits me hard. 

I genuinely don’t know what to do. Dating is crazy and I know it’s mad for most people. Maybe a fat man can’t find love? I’ve got some crazy stories to tell at least, from the woman who from an online dating site, who was situated in Nevada, kept messaging me how I was her dream guy but lived too far away. I never understood why she even bothered messaging me ! Is it me or is dating just too hard these days? How do you find it?

Hump day Slump day

Morning everyone!

So we finally hit the middle of the week. Thank God it’s here. This week has been gruelling at work and I’ve felt like the only rest bite I have had at all is sleep. But I still don’t feel rested. 

My anxiety is through the roof at the moment. My autistic brother is limping and he is unable to tell us why because he is non-communicative. It’s really stressful and it worries me. I just hope he heals up with rest and that he doesn’t need any surgical intervention as that would be all kinds of stressful. He’s a pain in the arse at times but he’s my brother and I love him. It’s funny actually because even though he is older than me, I’m more like the older brother. I’m very protective of him. Anyone with an autistic sibling will know what I mean. Unfortunately I was meant to have a therapy session yesterday but I had to cancel because my brother couldn’t sit in the car for over an hour. That sucked because therapy always boosts my mood and gives me hope that I can make progress. Now I have to wait two more weeks. You really feel it when you miss therapy. Plus I feel like I’m starting to fall back into bad compulsion habits and I need some kind of pep talk to avoid losing all the progress I’ve made.  I don’t want to go back to 2 hour showers just to get to my bedroom. I’m also washing my slippers every day again. I keep reminding myself that they are warmth and not protection from dirt but I feel like I need them. 

I’m also feeling anxious today because the next two days are filled with training and meetings. I literally will have no time to do anything else and big gatherings of people make me very nervous. It’s a social anxiety thing. Anxiety with me leads to more pronounced OCD rituals so it’s really taking it out of me. Right now, I can’t even get out of bed though I know I’ll have to. I constantly feel like I need a holiday right now, from OCD as much as work. If there is a God, please help me out!

Well I probably should get up now so I will bid thee farewell. Enjoy the day if you can. 

Hello lunchtime

Oh thank you God! Lunchtime is here. Half of the day is at least done with and I feel like I’ve got a never ending pile of work to do. I’m feeling damn sleepy too. There is no rest for the wicked nor is there any for someone with an affective disorder. 

Today started off crazy as well. I came downstairs to find my mum doing some sort of spring clean in the autumn. I’m not sure why it had to be done today but I’m not one to judge. Anyways, I had some cornflakes for breakfast and off I went to work. Another day slaving over a hot keyboard. You’d think I’d be keeping away from typing during my lunch break, not blogging, but I felt it was needed to be done. 

Speaking of anxiety, I don’t think anyone, in the right mind, with it should play Alien Isolation. Even though I know it’s implausible, I half expected an alien to drop from my bedroom ceiling last night which isn’t conducive to being well rested. Actually, I didn’t do much last night which is annoying by itself. I don’t know about any of you guys but after going through a bunch of rituals and with a low general mood, I find it hard to get enthused about anything. So yesterday, I got to bed, lay on my bed, played with WordPress a bit and then just did nothing. I really should force myself to do something, anything even, but I just didn’t have the enthusiasm for it. Well, besides from playing with my three blogs. Actually, I don’t know why I have three. I like sharing things, it’s therapeutic but I found it quite hard/difficult to consolidate having a blog that contained sports news, poetry, general entertainment stuff and stuff about my OCD because it would just seem a bit too flighty and unfocused. At least this way, anyone reading won’t feel obliged to read wrestling news or vice versa. I probably should care less what people think but I’m still that insecure guy that wants people to like him. I *think* I’m nice. I hope people think so too. 

Anyway, it’s time for my nutrient shake and then I’m back to the drawing board. I hope you are all good and feel free to drop a line 🙂