Mentally, I’m growing through a hard time at the moment. I’m pretty low. Actually, I’m probably rock bottom. I’m posting quite a but to distract myself but fact is I don’t think I could be any lower right now.
I’ve been having suicidal thoughts. For the first time in a while. At one point today, I pressed one of my bed pillows over my face and held it down to stop me breathing. I pressed and I pressed till my chest got tight and my natural reflexes kicked in and forced it off me. I guess I knew it wouldn’t work but right there and then, I was happy to try.
I’ve taken my medication now and I’ve settled down a bit. This whole situation with Apple has made me very low. I feel like there is no escape and that there is no one out there who can realistically help me. Part of me tries to convince me that it is not a big deal and that I can just use someone else but truth is it has been a big part of my life for quite a few years and when you are in my situation, with my health and my mental state, the little things that excite you and make you feel better are actually bigger than you realise. But all I am told is that nobody can help me. It hurts me a lot. I really don’t feel like dealing with anything else. I’ve actually wasted an entire weekend over it all. That makes me sadder. And work is tomorrow and I don’t want to deal with that. No escape. That’s exactly what it feels like.
I just want the pain in my head to settle down.