“I have experienced bad dating and ineptitude with women all across the globe, from Vietnam to Paris. When I was 21, women were an enigma; they were this code that had to be cracked. They were ‘The Other.’ I have often thought writing this stuff into stand-up and shows would be an exorcism, but it hasn’t been; it makes no difference”
So dating, huh? It’s rather mad. I’m 32 years old now and it still does my head in. I still don’t get the rules.
Everyone keeps telling me that I need to get out there and meet someone. My mum jokes that she wants grand kids soon. I hear you Mum! But dating is far from easy, despite what people say. And it’s even harder if you have an anxiety disorder.
But anyway, I don’t want to make this post about my anxiety issues or even my other underlying health issues (a slight segway here but I do have some other immune system issues that make getting around less easy than I’d like). I want it to be about dating and the crazy dating game.
Now I’m a fat guy. Not just a little chubby either but a decent sized belly. I have my reasons for this and I’m sure some folk could debate their validity but that isn’t the point here. Dating would baffle me regardless of my weight. It’s just that being heavy means that less women are interested. Fair enough. If you want to judge my suitability as a partner on the basis of my shape, then good luck finding what you are looking for. But that’s not my concern. My concern is about finding my happiness.
Anyway, I digress.
So dating is confusing. My current situation doesn’t permit me a lot of elbow room either. I don’t really socialise. I don’t go to bars or clubs or do any evening courses etc. I work long hard hours and then I zone out. This might be part of my problem but I’m not going to be able to change that easily because I’m not well enough to be spontaneously going out and too anxious to make a move in person anyway. My mum swears one time when I was out with her, there was a girl in the Apple Store making a play for me and I didn’t even notice. That or she is blind. I often find it incomprehensible to imagine someone being attracted to me. Yeah, my confidence is not good.
I have tried online dating a couple of times too. Once with a free site and once with a paid. That’s weird. I get really nervous and vulnerable whenever I put myself out there in a message and I’ll check my phone repeatedly in the hope that someone is interested. And I get really sad when I get rejected because in my head, when someone says “you aren’t my type” or that they aren’t interested, in my head I’m hearing “sorry but you are too fat for me or boring”. Consequently I’ve avoided online dating for a while. Rejection hits me hard.
I genuinely don’t know what to do. Dating is crazy and I know it’s mad for most people. Maybe a fat man can’t find love? I’ve got some crazy stories to tell at least, from the woman who from an online dating site, who was situated in Nevada, kept messaging me how I was her dream guy but lived too far away. I never understood why she even bothered messaging me ! Is it me or is dating just too hard these days? How do you find it?