So the weekend is nearly over and tomorrow is that time again where I have to return to work. But I just don’t feel rested. My head hurts and I know come tomorrow I’m going to be exhausted before I even press a key. Part of me hopes that rather I wake up soon from a bad dream and find out in fact that it is still Sunday morning. Eek!
My OCD has been a bit of a pain in the arse this weekend. Today for example, I changed my clothes more than a couple of times from fear of contamination and even had to wash my hair to go back to my bedroom. That’s never fun when you have to have a mini shower just to enter a room. I have regressed too which is so annoying. But yeah, today I had 3 or 4 clothes changes. A number of them were because I didn’t feel clean after going to the bathroom. The bathroom terrifies me, especially as my autistic brother makes a habit out of weeing everywhere. And I know I shouldn’t complain because he is disabled but I can’t get the thought out of my head that I’m going to get some on me and trape it everywhere. I can’t live with that risk at the moment. That being said, I even find using the toilet an anxiety provoking task and I spend ages washing myself down after using it. I can’t even pull up my trousers easily without fear of contaminating myself. It makes every day a challenge and the last few years have been harder than ever as my OCD has got much worse over this period.
And now I’m thinking about being single again and my depression kicks in. I was going to post a topic on one of my other blogs about things I’m attracted to but then I realised how futile that would be. Plus I don’t want to spend time thinking about things I’ll never have. I’m too fat to find love and too screwed up to ever fix my weight. I’m in a jail and the guard has gone home with the key. The best I can do is improvise within my four walls unless I have a visitor who can bring me some respite. But man, would I like a girlfriend. And you know what? I think I’d be a pretty great boyfriend given the chance. But people don’t overlook things like weight or baggage, especially of the mental kind, do they? *sigh*
Did I mention I don’t want to go back to work tomorrow?