So the last couple of days have been interesting. After making it through Wednesday, Thursday ended up being a disaster. If it wasn’t for some pushing through, I probably would have spent the night sleeping on the old chair downstairs to avoid the possibility of “contaminating” my room. Got to be though so that’s definitely a major victory.
But today, as yesterday, has been hard. It doesn’t help that my OCD is coupled with generalised anxiety and major depressive disorder. I’ve been low. Pretty low. I have been fixating a lot on the fact that I’m single and for all intents have spent my life single, be it not for a couple of relationships that were internet based. People don’t count them though right? That’s a sad thing to do isn’t it? Yeah, I’m sure it is.
Anyway, work was grooling today. I’m exhausted. I couldn’t wait till quitting time, even if that meant lots more cleaning to do. I have my nightly cleaning rituals. But I had a lovely dinner, even though I have the whole single thing stuck in my mind plus my autistic brother is acting very irregularly at the moment and it is worrying me a lot. He’s non-communicative and I’m scared that his change in mood is because of pain and he’s not able to tell us! I’m so frustrated. I just want to make it better. He’s limping (we think) so it might be that? I hope it fixes itself soon as I can’t stand the thought of him hurting and us not being able to help.
Now I’m in my room. Rituals are done. Sadly I forgot to bring a bottle of water to bed and I’m reluctant to go and get one because I might contaminate myself. No thank you! Still I’m really thirsty. I think I’m going to play a game now. I started Alien Isolation last week and it is so scary. I’m afraid to play it at night. I considered going on my computer for a bit instead but I don’t want to contaminate my chair. Nope. Lying on my bed and playing sounds best, even if it scares me. At least I think.