Days like these

There are certain days in the life of someone with OCD where you find that everything you are trying to achieve, i.e. in terms of moving forward is going well. You avoided washing your hands that time or you didn’t do X Y or Z compulsion. And then there are days like today. 

Today was about survival. From the moment I woke up my OCD was at me. My slippers were no longer parallel. The cable of my computer was making too much contact on the floor. My cat sneezed on me. It seemed like everything was getting to me and it was bumming me out. In the end, I just had to work through it tselling myself the same things about being good enough

My slippers were clean enough. My hands were washed enough. Things of that nature. It’s hard to play to chance especially when you are OCD. If you think you are going to die from stepping on cracks, you don’t really feel the compulsion to chance it but avoid it at all means necessary.  But avoidance and acting upon compulsions is bad for you. It strengthens the feeling and the obsession. I used to be able to open doors with my hands but the fact that I used my elbows to open the doors had meant now that even if I try to touch them, I panic. They look grimey. They look dirty. It could be lacker but it could also be pooh or dirt. I don’t want to take that chance. One day I know I’ll have to face it. But today wasn’t that day. Today was just about getting by. 

By the end of the day and 7pm passed, I had enough. It was time for bed and the tedious task of decontaminating before entering my room. Luckily I’ve been improving on that and an hour and a half task is now just 20-30 minutes. I just need to wipe the surfaces before hand. Anyone with actual OCD would know what I mean. I can’t stand it when people say they are a little bit OCD. It’s not a quirky little personality trait. It’s really hell. But anyway, I’m here in bed now and the world seems relatively okay. Still, I’m feeling low but that’s okay because today I’m getting by. 

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My battle with OCD

Hey guys and thank you for reading my blog. I decided to give this whole blogging thing a go after reading some others from people sharing similar battles and I thought it would be good to air my grievances as it were. So sorry about that! Also, my apologies if the language isn’t the best. I’m going to try fitting this in when I can and it is not the easiest thing to do when you are tired after work ha ha (excuses I know!). I’m also pretty tired from the whole OCD/depression/anxiety thing to I suppose…

But anyway! 

In terms of my OCD, the major thing I struggle with is contamination. Contamination and trying to prevent it rules my life. That’s not to say that I’m not trying to fight against it but just that I don’t have a fondness for door handles (and other things). Actually it is kind of a living hell. All day every day, I’m on guard from potential contaminants wherever they may be. I regularly spray myself with antibacterial disinfectant, wash my hands way too many times a day to be healthy and struggle to touch pretty much anything including even my face or hair. As you can imagine, this, combined with my anxiety doesn’t leave much for a social life. I’ve tried the online dating scene but it’s never worked. I’m not a good looking guy; I’m chunky and I’ve got a hell of a lot of baggage. Meeting someone was never going to be easy. I am trying to get my life in order though although some days are better than others. For now, I’m just happy to be able to shower in half an hour. You have to take the positives where you can. 

Anyway, there is a lot more coming from me but I just wanted to kick things off. 

Have a nice day!